The Gym Archetypes
The gymnasium is an absolutely fascinating ecosystem to observe. The hormones. The energy. The noise. The ego. The conceit. The focus. The flirting. The fraternizing. The posers. The strutting. The gym is a truly wild place, especially during peak weeknight times when the crowd is younger. Especially during the panoramic, I stick to early morning weekends with the occasional weeknight. Since I do more cardio than lifting nowadays, I can save the gym for the weekends until the Texas heat becomes too unbearable for outdoor cardio.
I started my gym membership in 2008 (or 2009). Since then, I noticed that there are different types of gym-goers, or archetypes. Everybody is a member of at least one archetype while some may have multiple. I developed 10 gym archetypes based on my experience and observations. What is your archetype? Have you noticed any of these? If not, look for them the next time you go (if you can)!
Just Doing Way too Much (Guy/Gal)
Storytime. I kid you not, there is a dude at the gym I frequent that embodies Just Doing Way too Much. He treats the gym like his personal obstacle course. First of all, he’s wearing a high-tech mask that presumably, and intentionally, limits air intake. Then he routinely takes a plate (45lb barbell weight) over his head and runs through the entire gym weaving through the rest of us patrons and machines. How and why is this allowed? There was another guy recently who was doing a whole-ass gymnastics routine where one would regular do dips. He contorted himself from a regular dip position to being completely upside down. Women are not exempt. The women version usually involves a ridiculously skimpy fit while doing the Booty Girls’ routine. The Pretty Girls at least keep it tasteful. These folks are actually putting in effective work, but they often cross the line.
Do-You-Even-Lift-Bro Guy
Do You Even Lift Bro Guy is Just Doing Way too Much, but has absolutely zero idea what the f*** they are doing. And I really feel bad for them because the gym staff should be helping this poor guy out. You can tell they are clueless about how to use the machine. Then once they start using the machine, their form is bad, which can lead to serious injury or pain. And the poor guy probably has too much pride and shame to ask one of the staff members how to use the machine or complete a rep. On the surface this guy is hilarious, but on a deeper level he saddens me. I shake my head or grimace and keep it moving, however, further perpetuating the problem.
Combat Sport Guy
This dude right here. Combat Sport Guy is cutting close, man. He is almost Just Doing Way too Much. However, as an avid fan of combat sports (especially boxing and to a more casual degree mixed martial arts (MMA)), I understand that shadow boxing can be a very good workout. Throwing and setting up punches and moving around is a serious calorie-burner. Also, Combat Sport Guy stays in a very confined space or off to the side while they’re doing their thing. So I cut them some slack. If they get out of line and start taking up too much space or making lots of noice, then to Just Doing Way too Much they go.
The Muscleheads
Muscleheads are the easiest to spot of all the groups and the often run in packs! They easily standout based on their existence alone. They are very buff and lift for bulk. If they happen to be White, they come with a tan. Tattoos are basically required for Musclehead membership. While they are mostly men, you may spot the occasional woman Musclehead. There is nothing wrong with Muscleheads, however. They just really like to pump a lot of iron and eat and take supplements accordingly. I tend to bulk very easily, so I refrain from lots of heavy lifting because I want to be able to touch my thighs without bending to the side.
The Booty Girls
Coming off the heels of the Pretty Girls, you’re probably assuming the Booty Girls are somehow bad. Not at all! In a way, they are the women version of the Muscleheads. The Booty Girls are about that work. They will be at the gym for 60 to 90 minutes doing all lower body workouts: deadlifts (stiff-legged and/or Russian), lunges, squats, leg press, step ups, hip thrusts, lateral walks, duck walks, kick backs, you name it. All in the name of the Booty Gods. These women are well aware of where their money is made and they often mix in plenty of ab workouts. Honestly, I would struggle to keep up with them as I devote 50% of my time and energy to my upper-body. I have the upmost respect for the Booty Girls.
The Pretty Girls
Shouts to the Pretty Girls. They have no interest in working up a sweat, bless their hearts. Everything about them is very on-point, including hair, make-up, and [out]fit. The amount of time take them to get ready for the gym is inversely proportional to the amount of sweat they produce. Notice their workout behavior, too. It usually involves low-resistance or walking. But again, shouts to the Pretty Girls for doing their part in the gym-ecosystem. The Pretty Boy version are the dudes who wear the pointless tanktop that exposes their who torso anyway. The Pretty Boys also tend to due the most strutting and mirror watching, even more so than the Muscleheads.
The ‘Bout Their Business Crew (Where I Reside)
My homies! The irony is that we are the exact opposite of The Socialites. While the latter spends more time chatting it up, we pretty much dress in conservative gym clothes, do no recordings, execute a strict plan, and head out without talking to nobody unless it’s, “how may sets you have left?” We don’t want any problems. We are not there to flirt or draw attention to ourselves. There is no posturing nor showing off. No chit-chat. Just work.
The Socialites
The Socialites are the antitheses of the Bout Their Business Crew. Don’t get me wrong, The Socialites are often really cool people. They just treat the gym like a social club. They fraternize between stations if not sets and tend to know a lot of the other regulars and staff. As a member of the antithetical archetype, I often wonder what they could be talking about. Diet tips? Lifting tips? Small talk about life? Business? One male Socialite approached me about my [cold weather] tights, professing his amazement that I (wait for it…) wore my tights over my socks. From his reaction, you would have thought I invented time-travel in the gym. He explained how he looked like a “country bumpkin” because he wore his socks outside of his tights. Yeah, that was about 120 seconds I’ll never get back. The Socialites!
The Gastons
Remember your boy Gaston from the animated Beauty and the Beast? Remember how he had enormous arms that far out-proportioned his legs? These dudes (yes, all dudes) have enormous or ripped arms or torsos with bird legs. The Gastons disappoint me the most. They clearly have the knowledge and work ethic, but they refuse to apply them to their lower body. Nonetheless, they provide comedy because they look like Brutus from Popeye.
Military Guy (Texas Special)
I never seen this archetype, or noticed it, until I moved to North Texas. Military Guy is very easy to spot: medium-size duffle-bag [for no reason], huge water bottle or canteen, hat with a folded brim, fitted t-shirt with an emblem of one of the Armed Forces, the American flag, or the word “Freedom” (or all the above), and slightly above the knee training shorts. They are like the ‘Bout Their Business Crew except they are a little more serious, determined, and draped in Americaware.
Regular Clothes Guy (Personal Favorite)
My guy! I say guy because I never see women in regular clothes pumping out sets of chest workouts. RCG is typically middle age or older, male, and, quite frankly, has no f***s to give about gym attire protocols. They often stick to the machines and maybe some bench work because who the heck can squat in jeans? Look for them the next time you’re at the gym because they are rare! Legend says that when you spot RCG, you will have good fortune for 11 days. Hey, it’s just what I heard.
Did I miss any?
